A few months ago I lost my baby. Not monkey, but a new baby on the way. Durning that same time I had lost my job and given up on my realationship. Times where hard, I had a two year old that was having her world ripped apart. I had to figure out how to make due with unemployment and be happy for a very confused little girl.
Sense then my ex has started to show me just how much he cared about this family. He got a new job and moved out on his own. Yet he still brings by milk, daipers, you know whatever I may need, including a coffee every morning. Basically he is here to make sure we are doing good. He didn't do much of that when he lived here. Sure I had whatever money came from his check but I wanted someone home enjoying being a family. Now just a few months later he has made a point to prove to me that he has grown up and is ready to be a family man. I can't say 100% that I am ready for him to come back, I go between its to good to be true to well is this what I really want? Do I want to be with a man who I have to push along the way? He makes me insanly happy when times are good, lately eventhough in my heart I am dieing times have been good.
Then last night I stayed at his house and it hit me like a slap in the face. I lost a child I lost something so special and rare and I couldn't even allow myself the time to cry over it. Of course once I realized that I started to cry, the first soft tears woke him up and he held me the whole time telling me how it wasn't my fault and how sorry he was. I needed that not his sorrow but my whole family knew about the baby and the loss. Everyone took my word for it when I told them ohh I'm ok its for the best.
The loss of a child is never for the best, at least not for me. My daughter is my hero she makes me a better me. Just out of love.
So no I am not OK no I don't think that this was for the best.
But if you knew me and knew what I have lived through in my life you may believe me when I say everything is fine.
I'm not fine now not right this second, but I will be. I have someone in my life that is tring to be a part of my life and understands why I may break out in tears late one night.
That in itself is enough to help me heal.
Friday, September 12, 2008
My goodness for being a bored stay at home momma I have been a busy busy girl. Last night I went to Bingo with some friends from my old job. My best friend won a thousand dollars on a game. I won nothing at all but I had so so much fun.
Today I have to get my booty in gear and clean my house, because I have a makeover party tonight for a few friends and I.
Tomorrow I have picture CD to finish for my mom and then a make a DORA cake. My bestfriend and I made this cake for Monkeys 2nd birthday. Now I guess thats all her older cousin wants for her birthday sunday. Both my bestfriend and I were ready to burn the damn pan when we were done. Now that she is a big winner I'm not sure I can get her to help. LOL. This means I have to make a trip to the craft store to get the correct tips again and go buy a box or two of cake mix. Not to mention googling for the directions. Then my Ex and I are going to go out on a date night. Dinner, then a movie, stop by some local clubs for entertainment. He and I have been working pretty hard on working things out. Here is to hopping :)
Then Sunday I don't have any real big plans but I do fully plan on making a great home cooked meal for my Ex and me and Monkey. There are few things I love more in this world then spending a sunday night making a wonderful dinner and relaxing around the house with family.