Then vs Now

Every pregnancy is different I wanted to take a moment to share the differences.

With Bella I could tell you what month /week/ day/ fucking second I was into the pregnancy.
Last night my mom said so just a couple more months until she is here huh, and I said umm yea like 3 or something.

Bella never moved so it was a HUGE deal when she gave just a tiny squirm.
This lady never stops so while I do spend a little time each night laughing at her rolling around part of me wishes she would stop using my innards as a trampoline.

I had the pregnancy body women envy with Bella you couldn't tell from the back I had a baby on board. My tummy looked like I swallowed a little soccer ball. I was wearing my "normal" clothes the whole time.
This time my muffin tops are in over drive... and my ass is getting wide

Last time Dylan walked on egg shells about saying things that may hurt my feelings. (we were a fairly new couple)
This time he says funny ass things like hon do you think a one piece bathing suit will fit you? I mean with your big belly and all.

With Bella I couldn't wait to have her and bring her home.
This time while I am excited I know how hard it is once they get home.

Wow am I busy

So you would think for someone who stays home and watches kids all day I would update more. But umm I'm busy - you know finger painting, teaching ABCs, and a song in case you get lost. (It was my moms idea - its just mine and Dylans phone number.) In case Bella gets lost not so much me.

We found out we are having another little girl, while I really wanted a boy sense this is our last baby, I am so so happy to have a girl. This lil one is much much more active then Bella was in the belly. only problem is I have no IDEA what to name her.


Her middle name will be Sue.

As far as first names so far I like


Meilah (me-la)
Cholei
Hailei
Kaleiah (ka-le-ah)
kerti (key-r-t)

so far Dylan says (in order)
ehh I don't hate it
like it but isn't everyone named that (he is right)
Again like it but we want something a little less common
WTF no kylei - we are middle class white people we were not blessed enough to be islanders
Fuck no - Say that 5 times fast hon. I bet ya can't


Bella's name is actually
Aleina (A-lean-a) Bella

He liked the name hated the spelling but told me after I gave birth I could name her whatever I wanted and spell it as messed up as I wanted.


So if you happen to have any girly names let me know :)

its been a while

OK so umm HI how are you...

My world has been turned upside down then tossed around crushed and trampled and then sent into a holiday dash of a haze.


So short and sweet.

I went to the coast on my birthday, spent the best time of my life getting to once again remember why I loved my ex and understand that yes you can go from hate hating someone to love again. It just takes an open mind and a little work.

Then SURPRISE Dylan purposed to me. I said yes of course I want nothing more then a family and the person I love to work my life through.

Everything was going great I was working on a great everything is so perfect post to write with the big news.

THEN SURPRISE I have a baby on the way. Yea that one shocked us all!

Happy happy joy joy life is so great!

Then my Popo my hero (a few posts down) fell and hit his head. He suffered major head trauma after a few weeks of all the family wanting him to some how get better from the horrible turn his life had taken he passed away.

I didn't get to say goodbye. He was my hero and he is gone now I believe the pain is so deep I have not allowed myself to feel it yet, not sure I ever will.

Less then a week after his death I started to cramp and bleed. Went to the ER at 11:00pm .

About 2:00am they not so nicely told me I should or would lose the baby. Or you know maybe not not much I can do about it now good luck bye bye.

The Dr told me the same thing the next day.

I say you know what fuck you I am having this here kid because you have no idea how strong my will power is.

Other then that times are great I have a two year old that is petrified of Santa but can't wait to see him come. Makes for some great pictures.

I'm still staying home with her and with my sweet little niece. I'm taking classes to open an at home daycare in hopes that's what I can do to help support us until the kids go to school.

I have never been more happy or heartbroken then I am now.

But in the end through it all I'm so proud of where I am in life and know Popo is too.

Sorry for the keyboard vomit I will be back soon!

Mommy I cut my booty!! ohh and 23

Last night Monkey woke up about 12:45 screaming I have to poop I have to poop! I put her on the potty and waited...

And waited (have you ever waited for a two year old to poop at 12:45?)

Waited a little more and sure enough after a ton of trying nothing came out. So I put a diaper on her and said babe go back to bed, if you have to poopy go and we will change you in the morning.

This lovely morning about 6:00am I wake up to Mommy I crapped and cut my booty!!

My first thought was where did she learn the word crap? my second was ouch that had to hurt. Yet when I went to change her still nothing. poor girl has been on and off the potty all morning trying to go.

She has been walking around my sister in laws house all morning Momma I have to crap; momma my crappy hurts. I have been giving her plumb juice and saying I'm sorry baby this is why you must lay off the milk and cheese...

I sure do hope relief comes soon for the poor girl. she has a busy weekend.

Today is my 23rd birthday and me and Dylan are heading to the coast for a weekend trip. (We have never taken a vacation with just the two of us. Well we went camping once and made Monkey but that's a whole different story)

Monkey is going to her Yayas house (my mom) and has a dinner date tonight, my aunts 50th birthday Saturday and then a family dinner for my birthday.

I'm so excited yet feel bad about leaving her with the hurt booty and all ;)

Another Tag...

I am: Happy as ever
I know: My child will one day potty train
I want:To figure out a way to sdo daycare for a living
I have: Very little sanity
I hate: ignorance
I fear: Something happenong to my Monkey
I feel: Pulled in two directions, my two year old wanting to play play and my baby niece wanting to cuddle.
I hear: Jack Johnson
I smell: the sweet smell of babies head
I crave: sweeties and like 15 cups of tea a day?? not normal
I search: for free things to do in the city...
I wonder: if I'm ever going to have the guts to get knocked up!
I regret: I tgry my best not to live in my regerts.. far to many
I care: about my family duh!
I always: read books...
I am not: scared of the future
I believe: in not wasting energy on things that are out of your control.
I sing: twinkle twinlkle little star at leat 30 times a day.. & love it!
I fight: with my own emotions daily. I've been a bit crazy latly not knowing why
I write: to do lists foreverything!
I can usually be found: At home or the park.
I lose: Everything all the time! I just lost my purse for the third time this year!
I win: Because I have almost everything I ever wanted in life.
I wish: For another baby
I never: say never.
I forget: Everything after about a minute... I think its due to the car crash.
I am scared: Of someone hurting me or my baby girl so that I'm not with her in life.
I need: some tea
I am happy about: Working things out with Dylan
I tag: You...and you too! Oh, and you. I didn't forget about you!

Hurting

A few months ago I lost my baby. Not monkey, but a new baby on the way. Durning that same time I had lost my job and given up on my realationship. Times where hard, I had a two year old that was having her world ripped apart. I had to figure out how to make due with unemployment and be happy for a very confused little girl.

Sense then my ex has started to show me just how much he cared about this family. He got a new job and moved out on his own. Yet he still brings by milk, daipers, you know whatever I may need, including a coffee every morning. Basically he is here to make sure we are doing good. He didn't do much of that when he lived here. Sure I had whatever money came from his check but I wanted someone home enjoying being a family. Now just a few months later he has made a point to prove to me that he has grown up and is ready to be a family man. I can't say 100% that I am ready for him to come back, I go between its to good to be true to well is this what I really want? Do I want to be with a man who I have to push along the way? He makes me insanly happy when times are good, lately eventhough in my heart I am dieing times have been good.

Then last night I stayed at his house and it hit me like a slap in the face. I lost a child I lost something so special and rare and I couldn't even allow myself the time to cry over it. Of course once I realized that I started to cry, the first soft tears woke him up and he held me the whole time telling me how it wasn't my fault and how sorry he was. I needed that not his sorrow but my whole family knew about the baby and the loss. Everyone took my word for it when I told them ohh I'm ok its for the best.

The loss of a child is never for the best, at least not for me. My daughter is my hero she makes me a better me. Just out of love.

So no I am not OK no I don't think that this was for the best.

But if you knew me and knew what I have lived through in my life you may believe me when I say everything is fine.

I'm not fine now not right this second, but I will be. I have someone in my life that is tring to be a part of my life and understands why I may break out in tears late one night.

That in itself is enough to help me heal.

Busy Busy Bee

My goodness for being a bored stay at home momma I have been a busy busy girl. Last night I went to Bingo with some friends from my old job. My best friend won a thousand dollars on a game. I won nothing at all but I had so so much fun.

Today I have to get my booty in gear and clean my house, because I have a makeover party tonight for a few friends and I.

Tomorrow I have picture CD to finish for my mom and then a make a DORA cake. My bestfriend and I made this cake for Monkeys 2nd birthday. Now I guess thats all her older cousin wants for her birthday sunday. Both my bestfriend and I were ready to burn the damn pan when we were done. Now that she is a big winner I'm not sure I can get her to help. LOL. This means I have to make a trip to the craft store to get the correct tips again and go buy a box or two of cake mix. Not to mention googling for the directions. Then my Ex and I are going to go out on a date night. Dinner, then a movie, stop by some local clubs for entertainment. He and I have been working pretty hard on working things out. Here is to hopping :)

Then Sunday I don't have any real big plans but I do fully plan on making a great home cooked meal for my Ex and me and Monkey. There are few things I love more in this world then spending a sunday night making a wonderful dinner and relaxing around the house with family.